Whoopie. According to host Jerry Springer, the judges will no longer choose who makes it through to the next round. Five acts will move to the next round.
Now, there’s a montage of all the contestants recounting their sob stories with big swelling strings in the background. Argh, this show really bugs. Boy, am I glad this thing is winding down. It’s the show that just won’t die.
Who should make it to the Top 5? Eli Mattson, Nuttin But Stringz, Queen Emily, Donald Braswell and it’s a toss-up between Neal E. Boyd and Jessica Price. Neal’s been pimped pretty hard, so despite his craptastic performance he’ll probably advance. I get the feeling Donald Braswell is a fan favorite, even if the judges don’t like him. So that leaves Jessica Price to be eliminated. We’ll find out tomorrow at 8 PM when the Top 5 is announced. Natasha Bedingfield is the guest performer.
Recap and videos after the JUMP…
Paul Salos – Frank Sinatra impersonator. He’s singing “New York, New York” and dedicating it to his wife. Erm, he doesn’t sound all that much like Sinatra to me. The dancers don’t help. He’s sorta got the clothes and the mannerisms down, but this is, in no way, a Vegas worthy act. Alrighty, he just got buzzed by Piers. And now he’s blowing the lyrics. This is like a joke audition, except YIKES it’s the Top 10. The audience claps wildly. Piers is giving him the big blow off. Piers has concluded that he’s not a million dollar act. No sh*t, sherlock. He’s just figuring that out now? Sharon says, “I thought you were just fabulous.” “You nailed it, ” says Hoff, who thinks he’ll make it to the Top 5.
Did Jerry just call it “Heroes Week” WTF? LOL I get it. He was pimping the Season Premier of Heroes…This week on NBC! And in an oh-so-clever (not really) bit of cross promotion, all of the contestants will dedicate their songs to their “Heroes”.
Kaitlyn Maher – 4 year old singer who should be at home – OK, this week has to be the end of the line for little Kaitlyn. I hope her parents have been preparing her for her impending elimination. She’s singing “I’ll be There” by that lover of little children–ick–Michael Jackson. Cute as hell, she remembers the words, but she really can’t sing. So I wonder how Piers is going handle playing the heavy this week? At least he didn’t buzz her. Piers compliments her on remembering all the words but then adds that it wouldn’t be fair to put her on the Las Vegas stage. It wasn’t fair to put her on the show in the first place, so why stop now? Sharon tells her she looks divine in red and that she loved her song choice. Hoff tells her that she made him happy, and that because she’s only 4, she could come back for the next 70 years. Please, no. Send the kid back to pre-school. It’s all a big kiss off, and of course little Kaitlyn has no idea what the eff they are talking about. Kaitlyn stands there holding up her fingers during the numbers, and then one of the buzzers go off by accident. So weird. The judges remarks are designed, as usual, for the voting audience. Let’s see if they take instruction.
Donald Braswell – Donald tells the story of his cut vocal cords in 1995, and says that now that he’s got his voice back, he wants to take it all the way. He sings “To Where You Are” by Josh Groban. Actually, Sharon once compared him to Robert Goulet, but he’s really like a middle-aged Josh Groban. Piers says the audience is behind him, but he’s not sure he’s as good as some of the others. In other words, the audience likes you, but TPTB don’t want you to win. Sharon says, “You look sexy in those trousers, what a big boy you are.” Inappropriate! Sharon tells him that he’s lovely singing the ballads. Ha. Donald did NOT take her advice from last week to sing an uptempo song. Hoff says, “I’d buy your album.”
Jessica Price – Singer – Waa waa waa. The whining is killing me. She got a respite from a dreary factory job when she made the AGT Top 10. She sings “Arms of an Angel” by Sarah Mclachlan. The singing is flat, a little tentative. Not much star power here. But she’s got a hellava backstory! She dedicates the song to her mother who had to cope after her daddy abandoned her. Big time Daddy issues ahead! Piers says that he felt there was something missing in her prior performances, but that tonight, he finally got the emotion. Whoa, I wasn’t expecting that. Sharon says that Sarah Mclachlan would love the song, and that it was the perfect song for her. Hoff says, “You took all that pain and all that heartache and channeled it…you sang that song as good as anybody, you could win this competition.” WTF? Oh look, there’s her mom crying in the audience. Despite the mediocrity, she’s being pimped into the Top 5 for sure. I have to keep reminding myself…it’s ALL about the backstory…
Joseph Hall – Crappy Elvis Impersonator – “A Little Less Conversation” The Remix! The Remix? OY! Ohh, he’s all dressed up like fat Elvis in the jumpsuit. Except, Elvis sang this famously during his 68 comeback special. Black leather, baby. Joseph’s lower register is killing him. He’s mumbling and slurring all the words. Maybe he’s impersonating Drunk Elvis. This song is deceptively difficult to sing, and he’s turning it into a trainwreck. This is just sooo bad. Like, almost hilariously bad, but not quite. Piers says, “Judging you purely on your singing, that was terrible.” He then pulls out the patented Simon Cowell (I wonder if he got permission to use it?) drunk at a karaoke bar analogy, but then adds that there’s something about him that’s terribly entertaining. Sharon says, “I honestly can’t comment because everyone was screaming.” Nice cop out, Sharon. She adds, “You’re definitely getting more confident with your singing.” Hoff says, “You sounded terrific, you absolutely nailed it…you could be in the finals.” Seriously, I have no words. That performance was like a terrible AI joke audition.
Neal E. Boyd – Opera Singer – He’s dedicating his performance to a high school teacher, who encouraged him to sing. And when he did, all the kids stopped teasing him. EEP he’s going to give Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself” the Opera treatment. This is a terrible arrangement. It’s all schizophrenic…it sounds like a watered down pop song, until he hits the 2nd chorus where he goes all opera on its ass. The transition is jarring. Really something is off here. He’s been better in the past. Piers says he took a song that’s sung by women–Uh no, Eric Carmen had a big hit with it in the 70’s–and that it was a big risk that didn’t pay off. At this point, Neal starts crying like a little girl. Gha, man up, will ya? Sharon says she was worried, but then got goosebumps when he sang the big notes. Hoff says, “At the beginning, I was saying ‘Oh no, Oh no’, until you hit the chorus.” I was saying OH NO OH NO through the whole song. Awful. Hoff ends his critique by telling Neal that he’s the front runner. Sigh.
The Wright Kids – More singing children – The Kids also delve into the pedo file, and pick “ABC” by the Jackson 5 to perform. Their hero is someone named Sharon who taught them all about music. Here’s the deal. These kids aren’t great singers. While the girl is pretty useless, it’s the boys who keep the act in the game. What they lack in singing ability, they make up for in charm. The little one behind the huge bass is especially adorable. Wow. This is grade school assembly bad. Honestly, I’ve heard much much BETTER at grade school assemblies. As the song ends, an off screen cannon inexplicably shoots confetti into the air. Piers says, “Amazing for your age what you do…it’s going to be very tough to get into the Top 5, the competition is ferocious.” Sharon says, “You did make it your own, it was very well done.” Hoff says, “Last week was a little bit better….look how far you got…you have a long fantastic career ahead of you.” Problem with the kids is, they advance on the cuteness factor, and the fact that the judges can’t call them out on their suckitutde without looking toolish. The entire concept of children competing with adults is all wrong to begin with.
Queen Emily – Belter – Her hero is her grandma. SOB!!! She’s going to sing her favorite song “And I Am Telling You” by Jennifer Holiday. She’s doing it for her grandma! OMG. Let the scenery chewing begin. Except, this is actually pretty good. She doesn’t bring anything new to the song, but she does navigate those important, crowd-pleasing big notes very well. Piers tells her that she ripped the stage apart, and that she’s giving Neal Boyd a run for his money. Setting up a rivalry? Sharon says, “You have a sensational voice and stage presence, I can see you entertaining an audience in Vegas.” Hoff says, “You hit it out of the park.” Then he proceeds with many lame sports analogies. Shut up Hoff. Queen Emily should be a shoe-in to the Top 5.
Nuttin But Stringz – Violin Hip Hop – Dedicated to mama who bought them their first violin. Yippee! It’s the acrobatics of pimpage! On AI, favored contestants get special lighting, on AGT they get a whole f*cking circus, with Cirque du Soliel girls dropping down from the top of the stage. That wasn’t quite as compelling as past performances, but still pretty good. Oh, it’s a song they composed themselves. Piers reminds them that they took a big risk, that the singers have an advantage, but their act is still his favorite. Sharon says, “It’s sensational, it’s a show stopper.” Hm. These guys went to Juliard. Not previously part of their sob story. Hoff calls them Led Zepplin on violins and then says, “We’ll see you in the finals.”
Eli Mattson – Singer – After admitting that he could have sung Alicia Keys a little better last week, he says his Hero is Elton John. Tonight he’s singing Elton’s “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”. After last week’s off performance, Eli is back in his comfort zone, and he’s fabulous. Eli’s gorgeous, warm baritone is both intimate and emotional. The judges are pleased. Piers says, “Last week you held back a bit…the piano playing was spectacular…” Sharon says, “Elton IS watching tonight and I know he won’t be disappointed…it was just fantastic.” Piers reminds people that they have to vote for the talent, not the sympathy vote. Bitch please. This show is all about sob stories. Hoff says, “You made that song your own…congratulations.” The judges are pimping him to high heaven tonight. And he’s finally got the pimp spot tonight, he’ll have no problem making it into the finals.
