“Should I even let myself make a decision like this in the type of crazy state of mind I’m in right now?”
Thus semi-literately does the bachelor farmer describe his agony as he vacillates between two equally alluring potential brides during the tension-filled final episode of The Bachelor, set upon the desolate, snow-streaked plains of Iowa where even the cows wish there was a Spencer’s Gifts to break up the monotony. Wow, 52 words in that sentence. Impressive.
How will Chris choose between the rusty-pipe-voiced fertility nurse whose domineering sister rejects the notion of her marrying a man who effectively shook her out like wheat from a pile of spray-tanned chaff, and the ditzy virgin who doesn’t seem to have any objection to spending the rest of her life in a town that offers a less stimulating environment than the storage area under my bathroom sink. He stands before us a tormented soul, torn by indecision, racked by doubt, and yelled at by the director to stop grinning like Howdy Doody when he’s supposed to be upset.
By the end of the two hours, and before the special hour-long After the Final Rose low-cost filler that follows, we will learn his decision. The decision that will forever change his life, and that of either a bottle-blond who considers her career expendable in favor of marriage to a person who has already committed to abandoning her so he can salsa with a 20-year-old on Dancing with the Stars, or a vacant-eyed chiropractor’s assistant (they need assistants?) with all the personality of the storage area under my bathroom sink.
Steel yourselves, viewers. The intensity of emotion about to explode across our screens shall rival that of any panel of Mary Worth.
Here we go. It’s going to be “like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” enthuses Chris Harrison, neglecting to mention the previous virtually identical 18 seasons. Precaps show Chris tearing up in various agrarian settings, and the women bemoaning the possibility of having to find work on other reality shows when they are rejected.
Bachelor Nation (GDP $2.5 billion) is sitting in the studio with Chris H. when we open. Tomorrow, the whole country will be talking about what happens here, unless, of course, there’s a new viral video of cute squirrels. So let’s get started with some guitar music over scenes of snowy Iowa. Chris roams the fields as he tells us he’s falling in love with both Becca and Whitney. At this crucial moment, he still doesn’t have the clarity he was hoping for. Whitney’s told him she loves him, and while Becca hasn’t, he can still see spending the rest of his life with her, or least boinking her a few times a week in between beers with the guys.
His family greets him. They are all exemplars of stout Midwestern decency, right down to the chintz sofa and silhouette portraits of long-dead people. Linda, his mom, needs dental work and a few hours with a hairstylist. It’s hard to believe she produced his 17 Magazine cover model sisters.
Now Whitney is on her way to meet the Soules family. She squeals her greeting to Chris, attacking his face before they enter the house. Everyone hugs. Gary, the dad, seems dubious even as he is praising Whitney. Maybe her voice is irritating his tinnitis.
At dinner, she claims her friends thought Chris was a great match for her when he first appeared on The Bachelorette. She tears up as she describes how much she loves Chris and appreciates being there. The sisters like that kind of sycophancy. They take her aside to find out more.
She talks about his concern over her moving to Arlington. Arlington, Arlington, Arlington! Certainly they do not sell gold-plated statement necklaces like hers there. She explains that she wants a tight-knit family, and someone new to call Mom and Dad. She’ll also have someone to call Bessie, Elsie, and Bossie. Everyone hugs. Whitney feels she scored this round.
The sisters review with Chris. One asks if he has any hesitations about Whitney, besides the obvious need to purchase earplugs. He gazes pensively away as he praises Becca’s charm, her athleticism, her groundedness, and her sexiness. Whitney fades into the background. Then the sisters say he can’t articulate what he likes about her, and that’s a red flag. What?
Whitney then sits with Linda. “Why are you in love with my son?” Mom says as aggressively as a carnival barker. “You have raised an amazing man,” Whitney reads from her prepared statement. She tells Linda that she makes her feel loved, despite the fact that her own daughters are natural blonds. Mom approves.
Whitney and Chris part ways, pleased with the encounter. She is confident that she is the future Mrs. Soules, but Chris is still non-committal. He meets up with his pals in a toolshed to hash it out among the wrenches and screwbolts. adhering to the man rule to use as few words as possible, Chris asks what they think of Becca. Jason says he thinks Whitney is “all in,” while Becca is “harder to get to.” That’s the case with most virgins, though. Then Chris has another discussion with the family. They’re like the Board of Directors for Coca Cola with this stuff.
Here’s Becca for evaluation, bearing cookies. She seems too casually dressed for the occasion, but then they probably don’t have much call to wear anything other than longjohns and fleeces. The sisters express concern about how hard it is to get to know Becca. She recounts to them about the road trip to Arlington, and once again hammers home what a dreary dump it is. Everyone laughs gaily. The mayor of Arlington angrily changes channels.
The sisters begin their interview. Becca reveals she is falling in love, but not quite there yet. Is there some kind of deadline, like for filing your taxes? But if she were in love, she’d move to the bottom of a well for Chris! Sister Lori is concerned that Becca is not wearing a box-pleated skirt and waving poms-poms for Chris like Whitney is.
Chris says he is willing to take that risk with her because it would be worth it. And if not, there’s always divorce, or burying the body in a shallow grave in the cornfield. The question is, sister Lori asserts, will she open up and be vulnerable? But mostly, will she open up, nudge nudge?
Mom is now liking Becca a lot. She says Chris makes her feel so good, and she can’t imagine why he’s still single. “He’s picky,” barks Mom. What will make Becca decide she could live in Arlington? Becca describes being miserable without Chris with her. Mom assures her that’s a good sign. “It’s up to you,” Mom declares, adding “you gotta put yourself out there.” She concludes that Becca doesn’t recognize that she loves Chris. It appears Becca wouldn’t recognize a lot of things, like the periodic table or a picture of Theodore Roosevelt.
The family reanalyzes Chris’s situation, which would make most people really angry but this bunch is like something out of a Wes Craven movie with their obsession with each other. Dad alone thinks Chris wants Becca. Maybe Dad wants Becca. I mean, we’ve all seen Mom.
Back in the studio, Chris H. promises that something will happen tongiht that we’ve never seen on this show before. Natural-appearing behavior? Intelligent discourse? A person whose facial skin doesn’t resemble a snare drum?
Now Chris has one last date with each woman. He goes to her hotel to meet Becca for the last time before the Rose Ceremony. To find clarity in their relationship, they make out. “I want everything you can give me from your heart right now,” he begs her. He wants to know if she can see herself sharing a life with him.
“I’m so excited to be with you,” she says, but she can’t promise when that would be. Three months? A year? October of 2033? This fixation on setting deadlines is peculiar. He feels the same. She gets agitated. She wants to marry and have kids, but she doesn’t know when. I recommend after losing your virginity and before menopause. She doesn’t know if she’s in love with him, or what it will take to get there.
“I’ve never done this before,” she cries as he pressures her for answers. He’s not interviewing you to be a lifeguard, Becca. All she knows is she wants to be with him. So she wants sex, I think. I want to punch her.
Finally, she acknowledges that some of her uncertainty relates to figuring out what she would do if she moved to Iowa. Many Iowans share that concern. He asks what scares her the most. Probably making his mother angry. No, it’s getting to Arlington and finding out, or rather confirming, that it sucks. Maybe Chris could be a farmer somewhere else. They have a big almond industry in Fresno.
Chris comes away frustrated, but he still sees potential. He finishes mouthing gibberish about relationships, journeys, and clarity, then puts his head in his hands. The studio audience claps somberly, moved by the subdued lighting and momentary absence of a soundtrack.
Next it’s time to see what Whitney’s deal is. Chris is beaten down by the encounter with Becca, so he’s coming into it in a bad state of mind. Whitney, however, is her usual frenetic self and leaps upon him like a praying mantis. They are at his farm to pick some corn. They meet his dad at the thresher or combine or whatever that giant green machine is. Whitney is thrilled that Chris wants her at his side while he operates harvesting machinery. “This could be my future for a long, long…long, long time,” she squeaks, standing in the empty roadway that stretches away into bleak nothingness.
They return in his giant truck to his house. “This could be my home!” she trills. She feels safe there, filled with peace and comfort. Chris proposes a toast to the week, except the parts where he begged Becca to realize she loves him. Whitney tells him it feels right and perfect. Any marketing blog can tell you this is classic oversell.
Chris feels the day was awesome. Back at the hotel, she shows him the picture of the two of them she carries around as she tries not to think of him gnawing on Becca’s tonsils. She insists riding the combine was cool, and that Arlington is a garden spot. Then she asks if he has any final thoughts.
He wants to know why she feels so certain about the two of them. She says he exceeded all the ideas she had about him coming in, especially his net worth. She can finish his sentences and knows what he’s thinking. Maybe she bugged his room. “This is what’s meant to be,” she oozes. He eyes her. “I reciprocate,” he replies, echoing the timeless words of Byron and Shelley.
Then she finally acknowledges that there’s still another person in the mix, and that the Neil Lane ring is not a given. “As sure as I am, it could be taken away from me,” she sniffles to the camera. Many the stockbroker had echoed that exact sentiment.
At the studio, Chris H. blathers some more meaningless nonsense, and then we’re back in Iowa. In Dubuque, Chris S. prepares for the Big Day. Whitney and Becca film B-roll of themselves looking tortured and hopeful while Neil Lane visits Chris to show him choices for The Ring. Chris repeats the word “clarity” for the 78th time. The rings are really faputzed and not appropriate for wearing while sweeping out the chicken coop.
The gals don their gowns as Chris returns to the farm and manhugs Chris H. Alone, Chris S. wanders the barn, which has been transformed for the ceremony into some inexplicably gothic set reminiscent of where Ed Gein might have hung his human skins for curing. The limo approaches as he underscores his uncertainty and doubts about being able to choose between two tight dresses.
In the studio again with the medicated-looking audience, Chris laughs that even Chris S. doesn’t know what will happen next. Why would it matter if anybody else didn’t know?
Chris S. waits nervously in the barn. “Right now, I’m devastated,” he says, while looking merely sheepish. The limo gets closer. This moment is so hard! Chris hopes he’s not making a mistake. Becca alights from the limo, which is probably the only one available for rent in the county, and steps across the loose hay on the floor to meet Chris H. before entering the barn.
“Becca makes me happy,” Chris S. muses. But he’s not sure what to do. They embrace. He tells her that from the moment he met her he felt comfortable, and he sees a future with her now. He stops and sighs. But he thinks it isn’t fair for them to take the leap when she isn’t ready. She doesn’t seem too upset. “You’ve been so open and honest,” she tells him. Now she can tell the next guy that she’s never done this before. He twitches.
Departing in the car, Becca is stony-faced. Guess he made the right call. But for Chris, it was one of the most painful decisions he’s ever made, next to choosing corn over wheat. In the limo, Becca can’t process the news right now. She thinks Chris was falling in love with her, and maybe she could, too, but she just wasn’t there yet. She hopes she doesn’t wake up and find out she was in love with him this whole time, like finding a “kick me” sign was stuck to your back all day at work. This chick needs some deep Jungian therapy.
Chris H. asks the studio audience if Chris will now, in fact, ask Whitney to marry him. Let’s find out.
Back in the barn, where it’s cold enough to see his breath, Chris awaits Whitney’s arrival. As the limo drives up, she remarks that this moment could be her leaving heartbroken, or she could be engaged. No mention of to whom. She greets Chris H. then enters the barn between two walls of haybales and climbs the rickety steps to the loft. She’s trembling like an aspen.
Whitney assures Chris she has never been disappointed with him through their journey with the 29 other women. “I’m so scared right now…I love you,” she twirps. He tells her she was special from the moment she first got out of the limo. They both want the same thing, and it feels so right and perfect. And that’s what he wants for the rest of his life. “I love you,” he says, “and everything about this moment feels right.” The director says the same thing. On bended knee, with her sobbing, he asks her to marry him, and she, amid sweeping music, agrees. After they embrace and smooch, he hands her the rose. She admires the ring and yelps, “Holy cow!” She’ll fit right into farm life.
Is she in for a huge letdown? Let’s find out now. This better be good with all the build-up. In the studio. Chris H. claims there are tears flowing in the audience, and not all from their having to sit for two hours without a bathroom break. But how does Chris S. feel about the situation now? Here he is to dish about it.
Chris says Whitney is the perfect person for him. Was it bizarre to have to keep things secret for so long? He’s pumped to have their relationship become “real,” and public. Before Whitney comes out, let’s discuss his feelings about Becca. “I was falling in love with her,” Chris admits. Chris H. suggests he was looking for something in Becca that he wasn’t getting, besides sex. Chris S. attributes it to her being much younger than him and not yet ready for the same things, like sex. Chris probes further and is told, “I’m not looking back.” He’s even erased Jade’s nude pictures from his hard drive.
Whitney has apparently been watching only her moments on the show, while for Chris it’s been hard to relive the ridiculous number of times he said “clarity.” Has Chris spoken to Becca since the show ended? No, so here she is in a form-fitting red lace dress. Becca found the episode hard to watch, especially toward the end where she got dumped. Chris listens very attentively as she explains how she felt, and then describes how difficult it was for him. But they’re both in a better place for being honest. They respect each other. Too bad everyone else thinks they’re imbeciles.
Why was it so hard for Becca to express how she felt? Has she never really been in love? She has no idea. Chris knows that when she finds the right person, she’ll know. Except she probably won’t. She now feels open to love, though. Time to set up an okcupid account.
And now, after Whitney blathers, there will be an “unprecedented” announcement! Probably that they’re introducing a line of Bachelor aftershave. But first, how tough was it or Chris talking with Becca? On a scale of one to 10, it was a seven and three-quarters. No regrets after seeing her? No. “I’m glad,” says Chris H. disappointedly, and then introduces Whitney.
After showing off her ring, Whitney trembles and wriggles at the joy of being able to change her Facebook status to In A Relationship. Chris S. says she’s beyond beautiful on the inside, too. He says he initially told the producers he was looking for someone like his sisters. Maybe a cousin. Chris H. laughs that the family was so Team Whitney that they would have punished Chris S. harshly if he chose Becca.
Was it difficult to watch the show? Whitney rushes to insist she didn’t watch. “Chris supported me in that,” she affirms, as if she were deciding whether to have a preventive mastectomy. Is she worried about how conflicted he was? No, she feels even better about what they have because he gives every relationship he has all it needs. She makes rationalizations as well as babies.
Next we address Arlington. She will move there in the future, but for now they will just be “normal,” since Arlington is by all accounts quite abnormal. Now we’ll see a moment that no one’s seen before. His parents arrived soon after the proposal, overcome with joy, and there’s a group hug. Babies are promised. “It was a beautiful moment, to do it in your barn,” Chris H. says warmly. They even shoveled sawdust over all the manure.
He calls to Ashley S. in the audience. Will she indeed be on Bachelor in Paradise? “I suppose,” she says, demuring until her manager gets a look at the contract. God, get to the big surprise already.
But, no, back to discussing the festering boil on the Midwest that is Arlington. Whitney concedes that it is part of the package. Also, she has been sneaking there to visit Chris and the corn, and in between, she fertilized a few hogs. So she and Arlington have made their peace.
Now Jimmy Kimmel arrives to pad out a few more minutes. He sits between the couple, and praises Whitney for avoiding watching the show. But he thinks she’ll give in to curiosity, or at least boredom when she finds out they only have 10 channels on the Arlington cable service. He asks Chris if he and Whitney have fought. They’ve had some discussions, Chris admits, but he avoids making Whitney yell because the sound might cause the cattle to stampede. Jimmy runs off to get a present for the couple, and returns with a cow named Juan Pablo.
Finally, it appears to be time for the big announcement. A new season of The Bachelorette is on its way. Who will it be? They had a hard time deciding. He asks the audience: Should it be Britt? Or should it be Kaitlyn? Kaitlyn wins by far. But no, for the first time in Bachelorette’s vaunted 13-year history, there will be two. It will be both of them. Here they are now! Chris marvels at the presumed reactions of men across the country. Since he means straight men, the reaction will be fairly mild.
Tune in Monday, May 18th when I will be liveblogging this unprecedented crapfest. Goodnight, everybody, and watch for the reports of Chris and Whitney breaking up.
