Tonight’s The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All special is usually a conglomeration of bitter recrimination, petty grievances, and too-tight suit jackets. This episode, however, will get unusually intense, almost as much as in the Oval Office when Scaramucci got canned, although with better-looking people in the room.
Reportedly, Rachel does not hesitate to take on Lee, who was discovered to have tweeted several odious sentiments that make the 1950’s look nothing like Leave it to Beaver represented it. The reprehensible comments, which revealed a panoply of primitive concepts typically found under Yahoo! News articles, weren’t revealed until after season 13 had finished taping. If you’ve seen the tweets, you know that Lee’s future on TV is now limited to appearing on Dancing with the Alt-Right.
“You turned it into something so ugly,” Rachel tells the weird-haired troglodyte during the evening’s otherwise banal exchanges about right reasons and loyalty to rivals. “I didn’t want to give any life into you, your opinions or your brief time on the show.” They should have named the special The Bachelorette: Rachel Tells Man All That’s Wrong With Him. Otherwise, we can look forward to Kenny komplaining, Fred fretting, and both Blakes blathering.
Following the time and temperature from TD Bank, we begin. The men sit ready to spill their guts. DeMario will tell his side of the ex- story, while Kenny and Lee will spar yet again. “Buckle up,” warns Chris enthusiastically. He loves this show because he does most of the talking, and can go right home to count his money afterwards.
This season had more conflicts and angry fights than most seasons, Chris informs us, although not as much as on the floor of the Senate during the last attempt to pass the GOP’s healthcare bill. But first we must witness clips from previous seasons no longer available on abc.com. We get to hear the awful tweets about Kaitlyn, and revisit the apparent roid rage of Chad during JoJo’s season. Mem’riiiiies/Light the corners of my mind….
Jamey, Diggy, Blake, Iggy, Anthony, Lucas, Fred, DeMario, Alex, Jonathan, Lee, Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam, and Dean are introduced to hysterical screams from people who have no recollection of them. I thought there were two Blakes, and why does Jack suddenly get a last name? I fondly recall the moments of mud wrestling, arguing, and testosterone-fueled rage, which remind me of the time I watched my local garbage men wrangle a discarded sectional into their truck. There’s a lot of bleeping of the clips, which includes pixelating the person’s lips, apparently so deaf people aren’t offended.
Lucas insists his focus was on Rachel, and even from the neck up. He insists Blake was obsessing over him, though. Adam agrees Blake just wanted to confront the other guys. DeMario insists that the woman who claimed to be his GF was just a “side chick.” You’re not improving things, DeMario. Chris reminds him that he has DeMario’s confession that she was a real GF on tape. If only Donald Trump were watching this.
Iggy would be on the show again, and confront Josiah again, too. Maybe they can both be on Bachelor in Paradise. We see in advance clips that Rachel made a bold choice by wearing a strapless dress. You can’t wave your arms around in one of those without a serious risk of Janet Jacksoning the audience.
The curious case of Kenny and Lee will be addressed next. Kenny explains that they had all agreed to play a “gentleman’s game,” and also Resident Evil 7: Biohazard. He never intended to attack Lee, but Lee made him do it. Will says you could feel the tension in the house. Dean says Kenny was well-liked, but Lee was not because he badgered people. Back home, he grills badgers for dinner. Adam agrees with this analysis; he accuses Lee of lying about various events and also believing the moon landing was staged. Kenny calls him reactionary. Lee looks placidly on as they point out his numerous personality flaws. He is satisfied that he has enough material for his HuffPo piece.
It also appears that patterned tuxedo jackets are in style, as at least two men are wearing them. This may be the most egregious effect on modern culture this franchise advances.
Kenny comes to the hot seat next. Chris wants to know about him and Rachel, who was intrigued by him from the beginning. But she became aware of his bickering with Lee, as the script indicated. Van-Pulling-Out-Ofgate is revisited. The clip ends with Kenny crying as he promises his daughter he’s coming home, and informs her that he has earned a semester of college for her.
Kenny is asked to parse his battle with Lee. It’s boring, but requires more bleeping. How about Lee calling him “aggressive”? Although that might have been the case in his pre-daughter days, Kenny is now a mild, affable fellow who doesn’t even yell at phone solicitors. Will says Kenny was easily one of the smartest guys in the house. In fact, he has a PhD in wrestling. Lee finally admits Kenny did not pull him out of the van. We can cancel the sub-committee hearings to investigate the incident.
Chris brings out Kenny’s daughter to reunite them, as if Kenny has been lost at sea instead of a 12- miles drive from their hotel. Mackenzie is proud of her dad coming in eighth. Chris announces that the show is sending them to Disneyland for his birthday. What do you get if you come in seventh, three nights at Sandals resort? Contestants who come in third through sixth get to be on Bachelor in Paradise or short-listed for Survivor.
Now it’s time to hear from Lee, whose Klan outfit was at the cleaners. He’s anxious right now, as well he should be, but Chris wants him to explain his behavior. Lee says that he makes jokes when he’s uncomfortable, such as when he’s home alone tweeting about how ugly feminists are. Kenny says he himself was genuine on the show–has his castmate been as well? Lee acknowledges he has “things to fix,” such as that ridiculous hair. The other guys want him to admit his faults, apologize, and take responsibility. For example, don’t try to make a living as country singer.
Now Chris reads some of the horrendous tweets. He claims heartily how they make him feel uncomfortable, even more so than coming into a Rose Ceremony to tell everyone there’s one rose left, as we can all plainly see. Lee says he needs to get over his racism, sexism, and tebdency to wear mismatched blues.
Josiah asks why he came on the show to date a black woman. To be fair, famewhores see no color. Another of Lee’s tweets suggests that the KKK and the NAACP are no different. Then again, he also thinks the AARP is racist.
Chris wants Josiah to address this boneheaded viewpoint. Lee insists he never felt that way at all, much like Anthony Scaramucci claims he never supported Hillary Clinton and gun control. Lee understands that he made people feel bad, except for Rush Limbaugh fans and the comatose. The ol’ “if I hurt anyone” defense never rings true.
Chris asks directly, blunt as his haircut, if Lee is a racist. Contrite, he denounces himself and his tweets. When Iggy presses him to do more, he says he’s sorry he was ignorant in those subjects, which means he was also ignorant of Bill Cunningham’s insanity diagnosis. Everyone claps as Kenny says he will help Lee to learn how wrong he was, possibly by pulling him out of the front of the bus. Lee apologizes to the men, the audience, and to Rachel, who is still backstage.
Dean comes up to talk about his heartbreak, which Chris calls one of the worst in the show’s history. They have PowerPoint presentations to prove it. After watching his emotional torment on the big screen, the audience claps enthusiastically. Dean knew he was falling in love that day of his hometown visit. Chris mentions that the episode was “raw” and “real,” partly because he had no professional training to play the role. Dean agrees it was the realest and rawest moment in the whole show, except for when he saw Adam’s doll. He will appear on Bachelor in Paradise instead of undergoing traditional therapy, since that doesn’t include unlimited liquor.
Time for Rachel to come out. After a standing ovation, she tells us you can’t prepare for the experience of the show, and all the emotion over hair and make-up. Sending Dean home was very difficult for her, mostly because she thought the producers had dumped Eric. Dean then joins her on stage. He’s still confused about why she told him she was falling in love with him, even though every other contestant asks the same question and gets the same answer.
Chris mentions DeMariogate. She tells him if he had only been honest, it might have been okay. She could’ve ditched him the next week instead for no particular reason, but that would have been a boring five minutes for the show.
Next we move on to her being black. She didn’t want to belabor it on the show, and was glad that didn’t happen. That’s all. She’s sorry Kenny handled Lee the way he did, but she also tells Lee she’s in a position to bust his damn chops. He should have taken advantage of the knowledge he could glean from being in a house full of all kinds of men from all walks of life, all of them with similar veneers. Lee apologizes for being a dumbass. She accepts it, and encourages him to learn more by auditioning for The Amazing Race. Bloopers up next, to reinforce the fact that we all make mistakes.
But first Adam airs his feelings. What would she have done differently? Told him to leave the doll at home, for starters, and probably not wear those leggings that made her look bow-legged. Matt seems to understand how it all works on the show. To him, Rachel says she wishes America could see what they had together. Too bad the editor accidentally erased the footage. Fred is next to despair that even though he knew her before the show, it mattered not since things had to go the way the script demanded. Kenny likes that their break-up was mature, and not because Rachel has man-hands or eats her peas one at a time.
Next week is the most important one, when Rachel will either become engaged or Neil Lane sells the ring to some other celebrity. We review the moments when the final three first met her, and how Rachel sees them after dating on TV for several weeks. The order is Bryan, Eric, Peter. Does that signal anything other than alphabetical order?
Who will she pick, Chris asks. The audience feels it could be any of them, or else the applause sign isn’t calibrated correctly. Watch on August 7th, for three frikkin hours with After the Final Rose included. It promises to be the live television event of the summer, unless Trump is impeached.
