Welcome to the first international stop on The Bette’s Journey(tm). This is Des’ first time to Europe. And she tells us so 3 times w/in 3 minutes. Munich! Glockenspiel! Danke!
This week’s gauntlets?
A One-on-One date,
A Group Date, and
A TWO-on-One date – 2 check in, but only 1 checks out!
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The One-on-One date
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Chris gets the 1-on-1 date. And now Chris tells us it’s the first time to Europe for both himself & Des (separately and together, I suppose). Chris is “cute, goofy, and just himself!” says Des. Chris is sure, “I don’t think anything could go wrong.”
Meanwhile “back at the ranch”, rumors surface that Bryden (the Iraqi War Veteran) will leave before sundown, partner. While Des & Chris do-si-do in a Munichian plaza, Bryden approaches them from behind as we roll to break. While flying to Munich, “There’s a bandaid covering a deeper wound that hasn’t healed”, ponders the vet.
While the guys pow-wow to discuss the seriousness of all things Bach, Bryden gives Des the news that he’s not feelin’ it. Ironically, Chris only laments that Des might be thrown into a weird mood for the duration of their date, and he’ll be forced to alleviate that. Cue Des proclaiming “I’m not going to let Bryden’s leaving affect my date with Chris!”
She tries to reassure herself and us: “There may be guys like Bryden who break my heart, but there are others like Chris who are true and honest and here for me.”
The Two -on- One date will be: Michael & Ben – Mortal enemies! Um himmels willen! (Throwing in one of two German phrases I remember from a semester of college German. “For heavens sake!”)
Chris is extremely monotone. He reads Des a heartfelt poem, monotonously.
Chris: “She can throw a football, she’s comical, she’s witty. Those are all characteristics that I’m looking for in a wife! It feels like I’ve known her for years!”
Chris – football? comical? Sounds like you are looking for a wingman, not a wife. And BTW Dummy – the first kiss should feel like fireworks, not like an old couple who’ve known each other for years. ;) Prediction: This guy is in the F4 but certainly not F1. Maybe a fallback F1 if the intended F1 doesn’t pan out. *Remember – a Seattleite always gets into the F4 almost every season!
Matt White is singing at the piano. This is 5 concerts in 5 episodes. A Bach first? Most seasons have 2 concerts at most.
Des: “He’s nice, he’s romantic, he’s kind. He’s everything I could want in a husband.”
BACH FACT: When the lead says the contestant is “everything I *could* want in a husband/wife”, you *know* that you are *not* looking at the season’s F!.
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The Group Date
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Taking a gondola ride through the Majectic Mountains of Munich. Actually, the German Alps. The guys become Des’ mouthpiece – “she has never seen anything like this before!”
An elder Yodler has been hired to teach Des’s blokes the art.
Des: “I love that these guys are so open to trying new things!”
Well, guys, try this. There are 7 sleds set up near the peak of the highest mountain in Germany. Guess for whom?
Zak W gives us a metaphysical pun, describing the highest peak in Germany: “We are higher than the clouds!” (Pass the doobie, bud!)
Once they take shelter in an ice-hotel (one which looks more like an ice-Motel), Des gets real with the guys: “If any of you guys aren’t into this, just get out now.”
Brooks come in for the kill, sweeping Des off her feet with a makeout session in an ice-hotel bed.
Mikey T takes Des outside (he’s not an igloo kinda guy) to make mini-snowmen. He proposes they craft their family of 5 snowchildren together. If this doesn’t scream “friend zone fun”, I dunno what does. Just as they were birthing their snowkids, Zak W yodel-serenades her with wine in ice cups.
Interesting Story – Zak W was going to be a priest in college. As uncertainty settled in, he went on a mission to the top of a mountain in Germany 10 years ago, and he made a decision to alter his life path. Now, 10 years later, he’s back again to again consider a change in his life.
*** The tweets coming in are pretty funny. #icehotel #shrinkage
James is “one way around her and another way with the guys”. There’s always one or two of these 2-way contestants each season. Brooks narrates the Jekyll & the Hyde of James to give us home viewers a better idea.
Whadya know – Brooks got the group date rose! James is shocked – He & Brooks are polar opposites. But James reassures us, “the only competition I have is myself.”
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The Two on One Date
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Michael the lawyer will today render Ben guilty of “fraud and the impersonation of a Southern gentleman.”
As Des, Michael, and Ben bond over hot chocolate, the 2 guys take passive-aggressive jabs at each other. Awkward & stilted. So Des proposes a Polar Plunge, ala Bach Sean’s Lake Louise episode, to cool things off.
But oh wait… This won’t be a *Polar* plunge; it will be a *Solar* plunge! (Yup, I made that up myself!) It’s a hot-tub motor-boat == a “hottug”. Now they are hot-tugging in a lime-green boat in the middle of the cold cold lake!
ROSEWISE OPINES: This date just looks like 3 people chillin’ in a hot tug. They seem to treat Des like “one of the guys”. Absolutely no flirting or smiling or romantic inclinations. I guess that’s what happens when you make a low-maintenance chick like Des the Bach’ette – the guys don’t work for it. Regardless, these boys are more into their own agendas than they are into Des.
Back at the hotel, the guys chat in bed (yes, in and around a bed) about Ben’s ulterior motives – to “rule Chicago”, get tall women with lots of money, and to be the Next Bachelor. Essentially, Ben is here for The Wrong Reasons ™.
Des: “What are the new traditions you want to start with your new family?”
Ben: “I want to go to church with my family every Sunday.”
Michael: “But you didn’t go to church on Easter Sunday.”
Ben: “That’s because it was a Catholic service in German.”
Michael: “In fact, all the guys went to church that Sunday except you.”
BUSTED!!
Fuming & befuddled, Ben excuses himself from the table. Des aggressively calls Michael out for being so belligerent in calling Ben out. Des *might* let *both* of these guys go… And we cut to commercial. Cliffhanger!
Michael’s prosecuting-attorney tactics backfired on him. When he saw the look Des’s face, he knew he’d f’d up.
Now Ben plays hardball and lays the charm on thick with Des. Des seems to buy his sweet-guy schtick.
Back to Michael, Des asks Michael why the guys don’t like Ben.
WOW – A BACH FIRST: On a 2-on-1 date, the Villain ALWAYS beats out the Whistleblower. But you saw it hear first, folks – Michael ratted out Ben and Won!
(The only thing that’s ever come close to this was William beating Ben C during Ashley H’s 2-on-1. William ratted Ben C out. But Ben C the Tulane grad was never really a villain. Not like Ben the Single Dad, who even had his own villanous theme music in all his ITMs.)
Ben in the Limo exit: “Let’s Party!” Uh huh.
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Chris interviews Des pre-Cocktail Hour
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Who’s the best kisser?
Romantic – Brooks (Our relationship has progressed the further, ponders Des).
Physical – Zak W (He’s a good kisser, proclaims Des).
BACH FACT: Every season on or around the Week 5 episode, the lead is so sure of his/her opinions that he/she makes an Important Decision to Do Things Differently – they forego the cocktail party and go straight to the Rose Ceremony. And Chris announces it to the contestants as though it’s the first time this has ever been done in Bach history.
Des: “I know I’ve already made up my mind. No need in putting you through a Cocktail Hour.”
Now James is the new villain for the guys to shift their razor focus to. They are unhappy that there is no cocktail hour during which to expose James for the fraud he is.
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The Rose Ceremony ™
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Now Drew contemplates pulling a Michael and blowing the whistle on James.
Des descends a long tall staircase in her best Cruella De Ville Halloween costume. She’s only missing the ominous gray streak of hair atop her chignon.
Already Rose’d:
Chris – 1-on-1 date
Brooks – group date
Michael – 2-on-1 date
Rose’d @ RC
Zak W
Casey
Juan Pablo (we never see JP except at each RC – what up w/that?)
Drew
Final Rose’d:
James
Already Auf’d:
Bryden – left during Chris’ 1-on-1 date
Ben – during 2-on-1 date
Auf’d @ RC:
Mikey (Hey Mikey, he hates it!)
Mikey: Des is missing out on a guy who was raised right and would treat Des great.
Drew is fuming about James getting a rose. Zak W is chiming in, too.
Drew replaces Michael and James replaces Ben in the Battle of the Villian versus the Snitch. Same song, different verse – a little bit louder and a little bit worse.
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Next time on the Bachelorette
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Beautiful Barcelona!
Looks like James is kicked off but returns… Stay tuned!
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Closing Credits
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Yodler serenades women from the mountain tops. Married 40 years.
His advice for a long marriage? The woman has to do everything the man wants! Simple!
Until next time!
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